29...Now what?

Below is something I wrote 6 months ago after I turned 29...read it, digest it and prepare. Part two or the "update" is coming...


So, I have been 29 for all of 13 days. And while that by no way makes me an expert on what it means to be 29, I have already formed an opinion about this pesky. For one, I had no concept of what it meant to turn 29 because as soon as I turned 28, everyone around me was turning 29 and starting to talk about 30. So I just followed suit and began talking about my 30th birthday, what it would mean and how I would define my life after 30. Big problem here, I totally skipped out on the 365 days I would spend as 29! When my 29th birthday came, I realized that I was in what I would describe as limbo. The limbo of 29 is this period where you are no longer really in your 20’s but you have yet to cross that threshold into 30. The age of 29 makes you think a lot about turning 30 because you are in this countdown, x amount of months until I turn 30. And if you are anything like me, milestones are what drive you, and the big milestone of turning 29 comes with the tough task of deciding what the hell it means to turn 30! Whew, two big years and I hadn’t even mentally prepped for the first one!

Already behind in my overanalyzing, I kicked it into high gear on my second weekend of being 29. The intensity of a chest cold is what kept me in the house for two days, but being “stuck” inside, alone got me to thinking. (Let the intense over analyzing begin) So I am 29 and in 11 months I will be 30. I don’t know about you but I had a ton of stuff on a very long mental list that I HAD to accomplish by the time I was 30. And this list evolved over the years as I began to have a much more realistic view of what 30 really meant. At 21, 30 meant I was going to married with 2 kids, a house, a successful career and a social life that was popping. By 23, 30 looked more like I would be married, just maybe 1 kid a successful career and no desire for a social life, I was going to get it all out in the next few years. By 25, 30 looked a lot more realistic. It looked more like I might be married, but my career was going to be popping, I had finished grad school and was on a path to doing exactly what all those student loans had paid for. By 29, with 30 around the corner, 30 looks like it will look just like 29. It looks like 30 will lead to me being happily unmarried, happily without children, happily (although sometimes begrudgingly) in my career and working to get some work /life balance. So I decided that with 30 on the horizon I had to take an honest look in the mirror at all the expectations I had put on the age of 30 and deal with the disappointments and proud moments now. So that is what I decided I will use my 365 days of 29 to do, prepare myself to turn 30. I am going to use these days to deal with feeling tremendous pride about all the things I did achieve by the age of 30 and feel the heartbreak and disappointment for all the things I have not achieved by this turning point in my life. I will feel it all this year. I will ask myself why didn’t I do some of the things I thought I would do, I will ask myself why I decided to prioritize the things I did. I will take an honest look at all the people I have kept in my life up to this point and those who I made it my business to get rid of. I will take a serious inventory of my life, who, what, when, why and how. I will spend this time leading up to 30 to feel all bumps and bruises of my 20’s. I need to feel it so I can leave it all behind when I hit 30. I need to access my life in the next 352 days so that when, God willing, I turn 30 there won’t be some huge meltdown or emotional breaking point. There will just be joy in the fact that I made it to this wonderful milestone, healthy and happy.

Don’t get me wrong, this is going to be an emotional time for me, no doubt. I am a person who is interested (sometimes to a fault) in how people perceive my life. I also (to a fault) judge life in successes and failures. So while there are many things for which I feel pride and success, there are other things that I feel like I failed at. When I judge myself (and I am my harshest critic trust me) I come down very hard on myself for the things I feel like I should have been able to do. Some people look at me and think I am right where I should be for the age of 29 and others think that there are key aspects to my life that I am missing and without those, no matter what else I do; I will have failed in their eyes. I know, I know – you can’t please other people. But if I am being totally honest, I question from time to time, my choices in life. I question whether it will be worth it in the end that I spent my entire 20’s on a career path while some of my peers where getting married and having children. And during the career path, I spent my 20’s having some serious, off the chain, laugh til it hurts, drink til it hurts, party all night long type fun! I mean fun fun! So I add that all into the pot and stir it up. And as I approach 30, I will see what that sum total of my 20’s and the choices I made during that decade will mean for me on December 30, 2010. This should be an interesting ride. Stay tuned, I will keep you updated….